You know the Thumper rule – right? What do you mean “No”? You’re kidding right? Okay fine. Here is the Thumper rule.
I was hanging out with Kristi over at The Robot Mommy today. (We’re BFFs. Go WAY back. Like, since March of 2013. And I’ve actually never met her either, but that’s beside the point.) Someone asked her why she doesn’t do a lot of husband related posts and she replied “I refer to hubs when I can, but if he and I have a “moment”, I leave it off the page. I’m huge about husband/male bashing and never want to be perceived as that type of mommy. I like people to know I support daddies in a big way starting with my own baby daddy.”
I cannot say amen any louder than I just did right now. Well – I can. But I’d need either a mic or a bullhorn.
If there is one thing I despise…okay…you’re right, I despise a lot of things. Let me rephrase. ONE of the things I despise is listening to someone badmouth their significant other. I am not talking about you conferring with your bestest friend in the whole world or even a couple of close confidants. I’m talking about at lunch with a group of girls. I am talking about your work place. I am talking about your blog. I am talking about at the bar. I’m talking about on the soccer field. Or the morgue – wherever it is that you hang.
My husband and I helped out in the children’s/youth ministry for a while at our church and one of the exercises we used to do was cutting out paper people and dividing the kids into groups with their person. They had to say something mean about their person and tear a piece off and pass it to the next person who said something mean. (“You’re the most idiotic paper person I’ve ever seen.” ”That paper zit on your nose makes you look like a paper pig.” “Your mother hated you so much she didn’t even bother recycling you when she kicked you out of the ream.”) At the end of the insult phase each group had what was basically a pile of torn paper. Their next task? We gave each group a roll of scotch tape and told them to fix it. As in make your pile of paper a person again. Most had so many little pieces the task proved impossible. Some were able to sort of fix their person, but it was more Frankenpaper than Paper Person.
The point is – when you badmouth people, that’s what you are doing to their psyche, spirit, soul – whatever you want to call it. And once it’s out there, it’s pretty hard to fix the damage that’s been done.
I work with a super nice guy who just recently married a super nice chick. They are both really happy and doing very well. This is his second marriage. The first one? Gone. Over. Kaput. And to tell you truth I was thrilled for him when they divorced. I cannot remember a company event that spouses were included in that his previous wife did not make fun of him, badmouth him and talk in an extremely condescending way concerning him. I hated it. I wanted to stand up for him, but said nothing because, well, it wasn’t my place. I hated it even more so when the other woman would chime in with their horrible husband stories.
Image may be NSFW.
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And here’s the deal – - even if my co-worker was genuine jackbag (though it wasn’t the case in this situation) - you DO NOT bring that crap out in the public eye. In public, even if you fought all the way to the dinner party and aren’t finished fighting yet, you treat each other with respect and honor in front of other people. There is nothing respectable or honorable about saying mean things about your partner for everyone and their mother, and their dog, and their dog’s pet hamster Frank, to hear.
And this is not glossing things over. I am not suggesting that. What I am saying is this 9 times out of 10, you all are having a normal couple fight. (We are late to everything because you change outfits 7 times! I only changed outfits 4 times! And we are late because you wouldn’t stop watching Leave it To Beaver! I was only watching Leave it to Beaver because you were in the shower still!) So you arrive at the shindig and spend the next two hours talking about what a moron your partner is to a group of 8 other people. Of those 8 people, you see 5 of them only once or twice a year. You were griping about your partner at the last hoodie-hoo 6 months ago. The entire picture you have painted for these 5 other people is that your partner is a JerkfaceMoronIdiot. Then they tell all their friends what a JerkfaceMoronIdiot your partner is. And that’s the stigma your partner has to carry around now – despite the fact that he or she surprised you with a date night last week, despite the sacrifice they made the week before that, despite that was the only real “fight” you all had in months. Am I making sense?
I am not talking about the silly little jokes you make. I make those too. It’s when those silly little jokes start coming more frequently. It’s when those silly little jokes start being more truthful than joking. It’s when those silly little jokes are coming out of your mouth with venom. You know what I mean.
So first things first. If you see me doing that on this blog – CALL ME ON THE CARPET. If you are friends with me in real life – CALL ME ON THE CARPET. I am serious.
Second things second. If you are doing this – CUT IT OUT. If there is a real problem, find a stinkin’ counselor. I realize you’re going to have to find something different to talk about. Another way to get your funny zingers out there. I have tons of ideas if you really can’t come up with anything.
Today’s lesson? Be nice. Play nice. Try to find a different way to build yourself up other than tearing people down.
Also. If you can’t say somthin’ nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.
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